What's Hot

What's Hot

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Famous prison break quotes

Warden Henry Pope: The thing is, Mr. Scofield is not our problem any more. Seems there was an error in his paperwork. He's going to be transferred after all.
Michael Scofield: That's not possible.
Warden Henry Pope: [to C.O] Escort the prisoner back to his cell.
Michael Scofield: Warden, all I need is three weeks.
[shouting to C.O]
Michael Scofield: Get off of me! Henry, please! I just need a little time, just give me the time.

John Abruzzi: You mind telling me what this is all about?
Michael Scofield: These are the guys we're breaking out with.
John Abruzzi: I don't think so, fish. That was not our agreement.
[Abruzzi gestures to Lincoln]
John Abruzzi: I'm not gonna work with this... crazy rhino.
Lincoln Burrows: Keep pushing it, John.
John Abruzzi: Yeah, I keep pushing it, you know. Huh? What's your deal, man?
Lincoln Burrows: [Lincoln grabs Abruzzi and gets in his face] Touch my brother again and I'll show you.
John Abruzzi: Brother? Your... brother?
Michael Scofield: We've only got a few minutes. Are we gonna spend them spitting on each other or are we gonna talk some business?

Michael Scofield: You kept it.
Dr. Sara Tancredi: Kept what?
Michael Scofield: The flower.
Dr. Sara Tancredi: Well, I'm a packrat. I never throw anything out.
Michael Scofield: [looks around the spotless infirmary] Yeah, well this clutter. It's... overwhelming.
Dr. Sara Tancredi: You should see my apartment.
Michael Scofield: Woah. We haven't even had our first date yet and you're already inviting me in. I thought you were a nice girl.
Dr. Sara Tancredi: Oh Michael, we all know nice girls finish last.
[motions for Michael to lift up his shirt]
Michael Scofield: So where do you finish?
Dr. Sara Tancredi: Depends on where I start. Deep breath.
[uses stethoscope to listen to Michael's heart beat, and looks up at him. Michael gives her the blue steel and forgets to continue breathing deeply]
Angela West: [suddenly walking in] Sara, we're backing up out here.
Dr. Sara Tancredi: Right, sorry.
[to Michael]
Dr. Sara Tancredi: I'll go get your shot.

Theodore "T-Bag" Bagwell: [about the rising temperature in the cells] Not that hot?
[he points to an African American cellmate]
Theodore "T-Bag" Bagwell: When this guy woke up, he was white!

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Joke Time

Rich lawyer, poor lawyer and Santa Claus walk down a street, they see a $5 note on the pavement. Who picks it up?

The rich lawyer, the other two don't exist...

Did you hear about the magic tractor? It was going down the road and turned into a field.

Programming is like sex - one mistake and you support it for the rest of your life.

Or, 'Programming is like sex - it's best done in pairs.'

A man walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but a large rubber band around his waist. The doctor takes one look at him and says, "I can clearly see you're nuts."

A plate of bacon and eggs walks into a bar. The bartender says "Get out of here, we don't serve breakfast."

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "How much for a beer?" The bartender says: "For you, no charge."

A proton walks into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The bartender asks, "are you sure you don't want beer?" The proton replies, "I'm positive!"

Better version:

An atom says to his friend, "Man, I think I've lost an electron." The friend says "Are you sure?" He answers: "I'm positive!"

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

"God," said Adam, "Why did you make Eve so beautiful?"
"So you would love her."
"But why did you make her so dumb?"
"So she would love you."

A man walks into a bar with a frog.
Man: "Bartender, will you give me a free drink if the frog orders it?"
Bartender: "Sure, whatever."
Man: "Gimmie a beer!"
Bartender: "The frogs lips didn't move, and yours did. No drink."
Man: "So, my frog is a ventriloquist!"

Wouldn't a more Zen ending for this joke be

Frog: "So? I'm a ventriloquist!"

The following are actually riddles, not jokes, but I guess someone thinks they're funny...

* Q: Why does a squirrel swim on its back?
o A: To keep its nuts dry.

* Q: Why do mermaids wear sea-shells?
o A: Because B-shells are too small and D-shells are too big.

* Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
o A: Nothing. It just let out a little whine.

* Q: What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you?
o A: Nacho cheese.

* Q: What's brown and sticky?
o A: A stick.

There are 10 kinds of people in this world. Those who know binary and those who don't.

Related joke: How does a programmer order three beers? By holding up a V sign with two of his fingers. -- SriramGopalan

A mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and a computer programmer were each asked to "prove" that all odd numbers are prime.

The mathematician says, "The principle of mathematical induction says that if something is true for the first n, and if being true for n makes that thing true for the next n, then that thing is true for all n. Three is a prime, and that's n. 5 is a prime, and that's the next n, so therefore, by induction, all odd numbers are prime."

The physicist says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine - let's just throw that one out as experimental error - eleven's a prime, and thirteen's a prime, so empirical evidence suggests that all odd numbers are prime."

The engineer says, "Three's a prime, five's a prime, seven's a prime, nine's a prime, eleven's a prime, thirteen's a prime, fifteen's a prime..." He goes on for a while until the other three shut him up.

That leaves the computer programmer, who says:

Three's a prime.
Five's a prime.
Seven's a prime.
Seven's a prime.
Seven's a prime...

Call me stupid, but I don't get it. Q. What's Irish and sits around outside? A. Patty O'Furniture.

An Optimist sees a glass that's half full. A Pessimist sees a glass that's half empty. An engineer sees a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Two sausages are in a frying pan. One of them says to the other, "Sheesh, it's getting kinda hot in here!" The other says, "AHH! A TALKING SAUSAGE!!"

A guy walks into a bar with a goat under one arm and a sheep under the other. The bar tender says, "What is this, a joke?"